I was kind of feeling myself today in my swimsuit. I hadn't planned on taking pictures for the blog. I'd already decided that it was too late in the summer for a swimsuit post anyway, but I just felt like I should. I said, "Sweetheart, wanna take a few pictures of me?"
While we were playing in the sand with our little girl and lounging around in the water it struck me how many times in the past I've restrained myself from having fun at the lake. I didn't like the way I looked in a swimming suit. I didn't think I deserved to have fun because I was fat. Even more than being fat, I was shaped funny. What right did I have enjoying my life and having fun when I had so much to be ashamed of?
I have a very hard time finding a suit that is flattering on me. During the past few years, I would either wear a darkly colored swimdress or a pair of shorts and a tee-shirt. Don't get me wrong; I still love a cute swimdress, but I was not comfortable wearing anything that didn't have a skirt attached.
My last year's swimdress, although pretty cute, was much too tight in the bust. It dug into my shoulders painfully. I went online, to Swimsuitsforall.com, which is a wonderful resource for plus-size swimwear. I found this suit and fell in love with the big, bold, floral print. I had reservations about whether it would be flattering on me or not, but I ordered it anyway.
It's not flattering, not really. The high neckline isn't supposed to look good with large breasts. I'm not supposed to wear large, bold prints and colors when I am fat. I wasn't comfortable at first wearing a suit without a skirt to hide by flat butt and belly bulge. The low back shows some of my back fat.
But it fits. It fits, it's comfortable, and I love it. Even though it should look awful, according to all the "rules", I love myself in this swimsuit.
This isn't the first time I've worn this suit; the first time was to a different beach on a different lake. There were other people there. I was afraid. As the day went on, I noticed that other people weren't even paying attention to me. They were too busy having fun. I quit worrying and started having some fun of my own. Even though this isn't a two-piece, I feel like my body is pretty much on display. All of my imperfections are visible, yet I have learned that they are part of my body. Hating them won't change them. Hating them helps nothing. Embracing them let's me live my life and have a great time at the lake.
And anyone ever is bothered by my shape, my imperfections or my fatness, they can look at this gorgeous, colorful print instead. Or they can just not look.
I will be blissfully unaware, not giving a damn. I will just be loving my life.
Thanks for reading!
